It was August a year ago that I was driving to my husbands office so that we could have lunch together with our kids. While I was driving I was praying and listening to worship music. In that moment I sensed within myself that God told me that I was pregnant. What?! Was my verbal response. There was no way, my husband and I just knew that we were done having kids! So this word that God gave me shook me to the core! When I showed up to have lunch with my husband I had that “deer in the headlights” look. He asked if everything was ok and I then proceeded to share with him what I had heard on the drive over. My husband quickly responded with the same response I had a few minutes earlier. Panic set in on the both of us because this was not in our “plans.” The Lord responded to this with, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.”(Jeremiah 29:11) After meditating on this verse we both just finally rested in that God was in control and that we were going to be ok.
That following Sunday at church a friend told me that she had a dream that I was pregnant and about to give birth! She thought her dream was humorous and I just thought, “Ok, I am going to have another baby… (deep breath)! I shared my concern about being pregnant with my friend and she said, “Jessica, maybe God is birthing something new within you, and you are pregnant with what He is going to do and about to give birth to that.” I thought about my friends insight and considered that it could be a possibility!
During this time I was training for a Marathon I would be running in December. All throughout this training time God was pressing upon me that it was time for me to write the book that He had told me to write 8 years ago. As I was praying about the book and training I never became pregnant! The week after I ran the marathon I had a dream that was extremely detailed. I dreamed that I gave birth to a 31 lb baby boy (ouch!) and his name was Josiah. I woke up the next morning thinking, “What a crazy dream!” Although my flesh wanted to call it crazy, I could feel the Holy Spirit telling me that there was something to this dream.
After this dream I was searching for the meaning of the dream when I began to think about our friends who have been waiting several months to receive a male foster child. I thought, “Oh awesome, God is giving them a 3 or 4 year old boy (31 lb. is the average weight of a 3 or 4 year old child) and his name will be Josiah!” Within a few days I talked with my friend and told her about my dream and said, “I think my dream the other night was God saying the age and name of the child y’all are going to be getting.” That night I went home confident that word was for my friend and no one else. A week later I was talking with that same friend and she was asking what God was stirring in my heart. I told her I felt God wanted me to write a book. As we discussed the topic of the book she was supportive and encouraging. She then asked if I had written any of the book yet. I embarrassingly told her I had tried many times and would get 5 or 6 pages written and then get discouraged and walk away. She suggested I take a writing class to help me get my book written. I had never thought of that! After she left I began to search for a class I could take to help give me writing direction. Every class I check had some disqualifying factor about it. Needless to say I was getting frustrated.
It was mid January and my friend text me and tells me that she found a class she though would work prefect for me and suggested I check it out. Finally there was a class that would work with my life and would direct me step by step through the writing process. So in February my writing class began and I was blown away with the thought of “After 8 years I am finally doing this thing!”
During my class one of the instructors suggested that I read a book by Madeleine L’Engle called Walking On Water. As I began reading her book a few weeks ago she was discussing how an artist is a servant who is willing to be a birth-giver. In a real sense the artist should be like Mary, Jesus mother, who when the angel told her that she was to bear the Messiah, was obedient to God’s command. She goes on to explain that each work of art comes to the artist and says, “Here I am. Enflesh me. Give birth to me.” The artist will either willingly become the bearer of the work like Mary was or the artist will refuse.” I had never once thought that writing my book was a work of art, let alone that it was something that God was stirring in me to birth!
Once I heard those words my dream of birthing a 31 lb baby came back to me. It was then that I realized that dream was for me and the word of being pregnant and about to give birth last August was about God enfleshing a work of art through me! As I was wrapping my brain around this new thought, I was filled with joy and peace and excitement! I finally got it, God is birthing this book trough me. Writing this book has been painful on numerous levels, most days I feel like I am being turned inside out exposing my deepest feelings that have hurt me for so many years. Reliving those memories is painful just like pushing a 31 lb baby out of your body would be painful, yet as a mom is birthing her baby she can bear the pain because of the result it will produce. Although it has been painful, God has birthed new life within me which has been a wonderful result.
Here is some amazing insight I received about about the 31 lb baby. His name was Josiah. Last night I looked up what the name Josiah means: healed by Yahweh or supported by Yahweh! Wow!!! I was speechless! Giving birth to this book has been painful but the entire time I have heard God say, “I am right here with you, writing every word.” I can feel the support He has provided me daily. Also with every word and painful memory that I have been reliving in my mind God has been bringing healing! God is amazing!!!
Also, in the bible King Josiah became king when he was 8 years old. It has taken me 8 years to submit to God in writing this book. God has accurately named this baby. I don’t regret the 8 years because I know that time was needed for God to teach me and mature me and heal me! Within those 8 years He has been washing me with His word and teaching me to agree with Him on how He sees me.
Furthermore, in May I had my yearly eye exam. For the past 5 years I have had the same prescription, this year my prescription drastically changed. My doctor was confused about my drastic vision change so I asked him for his thoughts on why my vision had changed. He proceeded to tell me that the only reason for my eyesight to change that much for someone my age would be because I was pregnant. He then said, “What confuses me is that you are not pregnant so I really don’t know why it changed.” This spiritual pregnancy has changed my vision drastically! God has been removing the junk out of my eyes so I can finally see accurately!
Writing my book has been an amazing birth process that I have had the joy to watch come to life! I am expectant to see what God is going to do with this book He is writing through me. There is someone out there that needs to hear the truth God has taught me and be healed like I have been healed! Right now I feel like I am a proud glowing mother holding a newborn baby!